


Zim Writes a Fanfiction

by WM_WM_WM



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Humor, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21639229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WM_WM_WM/pseuds/WM_WM_WM
Summary: To practice for an upcoming plan he has, Zim writes a fanfiction for The Tallest. Red and Purple, however, are not keen on reading it. Especially when it's labeled smut.
Relationships: Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	Zim Writes a Fanfiction

The Tallest gazed out a giant window into space. They hovered in The Massive's deck, where navigational Irkens toiled below them. The only things that could be heard in the large room were the roar of the machines that lined the walls. Red and Purple stood side by side, scanning the final remains of a planet.

"Not one of the best explosions I've seen," commented Red.

Purple added, "Could use a little more..." He wildly waved his hands around.

"Flair?"

"Yes! That's a good word."

They didn't have time to further discuss their destruction, because a communication Irken declared, "My Tallest! Transmission incoming!"

The towering beings flew over to the main area, where a camera faced.

Red asked, "Who's it from?"

He, however, asked a little too late.

Zim screeched in an unnecessary high volume, "My Tallest!"

All Irkens on the bridge doubled over in pain. They clutched their antennae, complaining wildly, or squealing.

The invader stepped back, cocking his head. "Was I a little too loud?"

Arching his back, Red shrieked, "What do you think, Megamind?"

"I am Zim, not Megamind!"

Purple remarked, "It's a joke, you idiot."

"My statement was also a joke," Zim countered. "Anyway. One of my plans for conquering Earth involves a bit of writing. So, what's the best scientifically proven way to practice for writing? Guess!"

"No," both chimed, monotone.

The invader visibly deflated. However, he plastered his trademark grin back onto his face. "Fanfiction!" he declared.

Purple's eyes widened, as he gawked in horror. "Fanfiction?!" he roared.

Zim added, cutesy, "Yes, fanfiction! Of you two."

"NNNNOOOOOooo!"

All eyes were on Tallest Purple, who clutched his green, bald head in agony. His limbs were shaking.

Eyebrow raised, Zim claimed, "Yes, it _is_ about you two. Anyway, I'm reading it now. The two-"

"Hold on, Zim," Red pleasantly stated, "How about you email it instead?"

"Oh? Of course, my Tallest. I'll send the link. Invader Zim out!"

The Irkens looked queerly at their shaking leader. A majority found themselves silently celebrating in their leader's pain, no matter how strange said pain came from. Rolling his eyes, Red wrapped his skinny fingers around Purple's arm.

"Hey, uh- Bob," Red asked a worker drone whose name definitely was not Bob, "Do we have anything important to do for an hour or two?"

"Nope."

Tallest Red dragged his counterpart out of the room, who was still shaking.

"Come on, you smeet," he insulted, as the large doors shut automatically behind them.

The two burrowed into the heart of The Massive. They traveled down a small steel elevator, where they silently reached an unassuming door. Still dragging his counterpart, the two beings hovered into the small room. A comfortable couch and a reading lamp on a small, steel table were the only objects in the room. They knew this room well; they were fooling around one day, when they accidentally stumbled upon it. They immediately claimed the comfy room as their own. The two had asked around to see why there was a small reading room, but no Irkens could answer them. Only until they asked a Vortain that they recieved an answer; it was the hooker room. The Tallests immediately ordered it to be completely disinfected, and hired a trained assassin to give the Vortian a wet willie. Red gently shoved the leader onto the couch, and Purple gladly sunk into it.

"Are you going to force me to read it?" whined the lavender-accented Irken.

Red was in the corner, grabbing an Irken laptop from the floor. He roughly flopped onto the cushy, lavender couch, knocking into his partner with a huff.

"Maybe," Red jeered.

He powered on his device, scooting closer to the side of the couch so that they could have some space. A loading bar appeared on the screen. Silence drafted between the two, as they drowsily watched the bar crawl.

"Why are you afraid of fanfictions, anyway?" Red asked.

With his face growing bright green, he mumbled, "Well, I uh- Most fanfictions are written horribly!" He ended his sentence with an unconvincing grin.

Raising an eyebrow, Red pestered, "Oh, come on. You can tell me. I don't keep anything from you!"

It was Purple's turn to raise his own eyebrow.

"Okay," Red whined, "Not everything, but I'm sure you don't want to learn about my nasty fetishes, like-"

"That's fine!" Purple shrieked, slamming his gauntlets over his inner ears.

Red's mischievous laughter boomed through the room. His giggles covered his relief of changing the subject.

"But, um," Purple murmured, crossing his skinny fingers together, "I'm afraid of reading fanfictions because of a horrible My Little Pony one I read when I was young. Naive. Impressionable."

With a smirk, Red egged, "It's My Little Pony! It can't be that bad."

Tallest Purple met his gaze with hurt, watery eyes. "Princess Celestia drugged and had non-consentual sex with Twilight Sparkle."

"That sounds horrible! Who wrote it?"

"Um," Purple mused, looking slightly upwards, "Some guy called 'Red Shmed'."

Red's eyes nearly popped out of his eye sockets. He tucked his lips inside his mouth in order to keep a neutral face.

"Oh my god," he thought, "I wrote that."

The Tallest looked down at his legs. "I want him dead."

Attempting not to show fear in his voice, Red squealed, "Well, you know, 4chan people are hidden behind eleven proxies! He'll be impossible to find!"

Leering at him, Purple growled, "How do you know it was on 4chan?"

Red's face broke out in a sweat. "I, uh, only the nastiest stories, like that one, exist there!"

To Red's relief, the laptop finally loaded. He entered an extremely long password; it wasn't necessary, but it was impressive typing it all in one go. He navigated to his email, where he made an unamused grunt.

Purple asked, "What?"

Red pointed to the contents of the email. The only thing on it was an AO3 link.

"Oh dear god," Purple hissed cynically.

"Hey, at least it isn't Wattpad."

The lavender Irken nodded, still feeling squeamish. Red tapped the link, which brought them to a problematic page. "Fanfiction for My Tallest. With Appreciation and Respect, Zim." was the title of the work. 

"Look, he said 'with respect'. I'm sure it's fine!" reassured Red, though Purple critically brushed it off. "Almighty Tallest Red, Almighty Tallest Purple... That's good, he has our correct names." He paused, as his eyes widened in horror. "Oh god, the tags."

They gawked at the words. Their eyes scanned the cursed string of letters over and over again. Purple let out a quiet whimper.

"Okay, look," Red explained, feeling equally as nervous, "The tags may have abhorrent sex acts, but, come on. It's obviously clickbait."

Purple suspiciously shoved his hands on his hips.

"Okay yeah it's totally in there," Red admitted, feeling his face get hot.

The purple Irken collapsed onto the side of the couch, groaning. "If you want to torture yourself, than go read it. But you're not gonna make me!" 

He rebelliously slipped off of the couch, and started drifting towards the door. However, a claw caught him by the waist. He let out a startled yelp, as he was roughly pulled back down to the sofa.

"Where do you think you're going? I think I need to quash this rebellion," Red jeered.

He clambered over the alien, laptop in hand, and sat across him, putting his back on the sofa's hard side. Purple tried to struggle, but Red wrapped an arm around his neck, consequently bashing their heads together.

"Let's read what our _favorite_ Invader wrote for us, shal we?" Red whispered, a smug grin across his face.

Purple moaned in agony, as he tried to writhe under his weight, but he was too heavy! Or maybe Purple was just weak. Probably both.

Red read, "The two walked down the long hallway."

"We don't walk, we hover! The idiotic buffoon!" Purple protested.

"Do we even have legs? Our lower halves are kinda... cylinders."

The two mulled this question in their minds.

"I mean," Purple mentioned, "We used to have legs."

"Yeah, but do we have them now?"

It seemed like such an obvious question, but none of them knew the answer. Irkens, even ones of the highest classes, were forbidden of gaining certain kinds of knowledge. Unfortunately for The Tallest, one of the things they weren't allowed to know about was their biology. They had questioned why multiple times to the Control Brains, but they were mysterious in their ways.

"Well, only one way to find out," Red declared. "Take your pants off."

He protested, "Why me?! And I don't think I've taken my clothes off since... Ever."

This statement only spawned more questions. After spending a few minutes trying to take off Purple's armor, the two concluded that the clothing was fused to their bodies.

"Well, I guess not in this fanfiction," Red joked, "Because we're _boning_."

The two guffawed, as the two put their attention back to the cursed piece of writing.

Red read, "Red read Purple's body language. He was distressed. 'Fellow leader,' he said, 'What's wrong?'"

Purple groaned. "Oh my god! This is the most boring thing I've read since I last read the 'agree to the terms' things on websites."

"And when was that?"

"Like, five years ago."

He continued, "Tallest Purple said sadly, 'I dunno. It is distressing me.' 'Well, we should maneuver to an empty, abandoned room so I can look at you.' They maneuvered to an empty, abandoned room. Purple, after looking around the room for security cameras, whispered, 'I have something to tell you. It is a dirty secret.' 'I am dirty.' 'Shut the fuck up, negroid.'"

The Tallest howled in laughter! Minutes were spent analyzing the absurdity of Fanfiction Purple's offensive statement, and how he jumped to that conclusion in the context of the story.

Wheezing, and voice weak, Red continued, "'Like I was saying, I have a secret. Can you keep it?' 'Of course!' 'Cool beans'."

"Cool beans? _Cool beans_?!" Purple shrieked. "Who the hell says cool beans?"

"You, apparently," Red joked, alien opposite to him pouting. "'I am horny.'"

"Are you reading that?" Purple asked, with a barking laugh.

The Tallest hooted, their sound reverberating in the small room.

"Yes, I am reading," Red answered, rubbing his eyes of moisture. "'What do you mean, 'you're horny?' You're not an instrument.' 'No, Red! I want to fuck you!'"

The beings shared conflicted giggles, not sure of whether it was cringe to laugh or not.

"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally! I also have sexual feelings toward you!' 'Gee, isn't that convenient?' 'Want to do it right here?' 'Yeah!'"

Suddenly, Red cut himself off short. He clamped his jaws together, gritting his teeth tensely. Curious, Purple glanced at the screen. He made a frightened peep, quickly shutting his eyes, and nestling his head in his counterpart's neck. They discovered that, contrasted with the horrible pieces of dialogue, a horrifically descriptive sex scene was perfectly written. Like he was transfixed, Red soaked in every single disgusting word Zim wrote. The room was silent, apart from Purple's sobbing. Paragraph after paragraph described The Tallest doing various, highly inappropriate actions with their bodies. There was just one problem with the story.

"Where would our dicks be?" Red wondered out loud.

"Didn't you ask that a few minutes ago?" the leader asked, wiping his tears off of his chest.

"I asked about legs. Though they're similar questions."

With a snort, Purple added, "Yeah, I guess you kinda do need legs to fuck!"

"Well, not really," he argued, "The guy could lay on the bottom, and the legless guy could sit on the top, and-"

"Red!" he shouted, face an embarrassed green, which made his counterpart grin.

He turned his attention back to the story, read a line, and scrunched his forehead.

"I'm having trouble imagining what that'd look like," Red commented to himself.

He had seen pornography before, but none of the videos he watched were Irkens. He doubted if Irkens had any junk at all! After all, for a thousand years and counting, they mate artificially.

Rolling his eyes, and averting them from the screen, Purple slyly commented, "Look it up."

A wide grin spread across Red's face. Purple, glancing at his fellow leader, he knew something awful was about to come his way. Fearful, he nuzzled his head into Red's neck again. Chuckling mischievously, the crimson leader furiously clacked onto the keyboard. Only Red's low chuckle was heard in the room. Suddenly, Purple felt two sharp fingers wrap around his antennae. 

"Hey, Purple," he murmured, trying to hide his amusement, "I think you should look at the screen."

"No!" he wailed, but he felt a sharp tug driving his head out of his chest.

Red's remaining fingers oriented his chin towards the screen. He squirmed and shut his eyes, but the dastardly leader was patient. He would wait until the end of time if it meant that he could see his plaything's reaction. Purple shook his head, trying to wrestle out of his grasp, but he couldn't! Red felt the lavender Irken's body sag. Quivering with fear, he slowly opened his eyes. Even though it was less than a second, his PAK was burned with the memory of the dirty, abhorrent image. With a sad, pathetic wail, Purple sobbed on Red's chest. He lightly punched the crimson Irken's body, which only made his smile wider.

"Do you like it, Purple?" he whispered.

He shook his head, spreading moisture around his armor.

"What's the image? Who's in it? Tell me all about it."

"You're horrible!" he whined.

Red knew the answer, of course. Obviously, it was them banging. He yawned playfully, as he stretched his legs(?), further trapping the purple alien.

"Well, I think we need to talk to that little Invader that caused all of this," Red offered.

"Leave him a nasty comment!" Purple pleaded, but Red had something else in mind.

"So, Zim, we have read your fanfiction," Tallest Red declared.

The pair were standing in the bridge of The Massive, with Zim on a giant screen. The pair crossed their arms.

Tapping his fingers together nervously, Zim asked, "What didja think?"

"The dialogue was shit," Purple offered, and the being next to him nodded.

Zim fidgeted uncomfortably.

"The rest of it was beautiful," complimented Red, "Even though it was describing rough, hardcore sex."

"Thank you, my Tallest-"

"However!" he shouted, which made the Invader jump, "There's one problem."

Beads of sweat traveled down his forehead. "Which is?"

"Where the fuck are our legs?" Purple screamed.

A navigation drone bravely asked, "Under your uniform?"

"Fuck you!"


End file.
